Fat Girl Fear: A Reckoning(?)

 I guess I’ve always been somewhat conscious of it, like a weird sound buzzing somewhere nearby that I ignored but noticed. Fat Girl Fear. The stuff that keeps me (dare I say us fat girls) from doing a lot of shit, going a bunch of places or generally interacting with the world around us with that carefree spirit...that I have faked forever. 

It’s not that I discovered that it existed in me, but that it exists so strongly that has me utterly shooketh. And it’s a recent vacation with some standard sized friends that recently cancelled me (the vacation was already booked) that had the feelings whipping through me like a fever pitch. Here are a few that I recognized:

-fear of my shorts being too short

-fear of breaking chairs I sat on

-fear of not fitting my thicc ass into the 1970s seating (what did fat bottomed girls even do back then!?)

-fear of tipping over a row boat

-fear of sitting in the back of a row boat and forcing the front of the rowboat up into the air in a comical way (see:shallow Hal)

-fear of getting on a tube and snapping the line that connected it to the boat

-fear of getting on a tube with a “friend” who is literally half my size and trampolining her into the air

-fear of eating too much at communal meals and someone mentioning it/noticing it

-fear of wearing stylish clothing and being seen as a style poseur (this happens every day)

-fear of a child thinking I’m their mom and realizing I’m not and their mom being offended that they thought I was them (I didn’t say the list was sane)

-fear of breaking the bed I slept in

-fear of breaking one of the toilet seats we shared

-fear of bringing too many snacks and looking like the fat girl with all the snacks

-fear of not bringing enough snacks and having others worried that I’d steal their snacks

-fear of responding to the meal bell with too much enthusiasm

-fear of getting to the dining room first 

These are the ones that flowed out of me easily, so you know there are way more lurking. And they’re all based on self worth and internalized fat phobia brought to you by our good old colonialist society. Dang. 

I’m going to be spending the next several fridays sussing out these fears. I think I’ll start with chairs since that one surfaces every day. Let me know if you’ve had chair fear in the comments. 

Love

Jess